Cadencing Footfalls
by alaskatrailmutt
Summary: Where the waves rolling did not mean fear of drowning but, savior from the past and the pure brilliance of the moment. Fai rembers his borther and muses on what should have been. Takes place at the beach in a ranodm world, minor spoilers.


***DISCLAIMER* The characters belong to CLAMP not me, I own nothing other than wanting to go to the beach. :P**

Fai wanted to see it, to hear it; the cadence of it. To _feel _the sand and _feel_ the waves under his feet. To feel the breeze blow away his every worry and every thought, because Fai was afraid and anxious, and no one else in the camp understood, fully truly understood the pull of the ocean. Syaoran would say,"Sure we can go to the ocean…The princess would like that very much". Kurogane would grunt some reply about how, Nihon had the best beaches no matter what anyone else cared to say, and why would an idiot want to go to the beach? The princess would smile but, the sand made her wonder if she had seen the ocean before; if she lived somewhere nearby a beach. No one knew and understood the beach, the call of the ocean as Fai did. Mokona liked the ocean about as much as everything else, but even with the fun at the beach yet, somehow all the others took away from what the beach meant to Fai. Usually the worlds had a beach on the map, and usually, if time permitted and was safe Fai would strive to make the time to go to the beach. There was no real need to go other than the desire to run, to run quickly, to run somewhere and the ocean was always the best place for Fai to go. Out of guilt, out of knowing things the others did not know, the beach provided a place of blankness for the mage. Not Kurogane, Syaoran or Sakura knew the beach in a way Fai wished they could; in the intimate way that he knew the sea. The sea, she was just like a person reacting to beach watchers yet, having her own moods to feed off just the same. Such a way where the waves meant still and calmness .Where the waves hushed your fears and did not judge. Where the secret criminals could run, even further than land and away with foot falls covered. Where the waves rolling did not mean fear of drowning but, savior from the past and the pure brilliance of the moment. They would never know this. Written spells and secretes he wished in the sand, drawn with salted hands and chapped lips in the dead of night. The comfort of the natural power humming in an undertone around him as the blonde wrote but, not enough power to infuse the spells with any meaning.

Fai would sneak out at night to see the beach. When he couldn't sleep because his mind would not stop or, because his mask could not drop; because the play-by-plays of the day caused regret and self- loathing he would go. Fai would never bring anyone with him to the beach, nor would he ask any further of what the companions thought of the beach after that day. Fai would walk, run, take a train, and ride a bus to the beach. The world never particularly mattered because, some- how, all the beaches where the same. The quite winter beaches where the ones Fai preferred but, any beach would do. The ruff beaches and the loud sea wave's beaches, darker skied beaches, he took them all. He would sit on a rock on the sand, anything the was to sit on, including an occasional ninja, (the once Kurogane did follow) and Fai would watch the waves and breath. Oh, gods he would BREATH. In a way he could not breathe anywhere else, any other time. Truly breathing in through his mouth and out of his nose, not talking in clipped jokes or breathing in controlled measured breaths to fight off panic. The beach made him feel as if he did not have to run, because he could swim away and mold into the nothingness of the beach. No, no one understood the beach. Sometimes Fai would imagine his brother with him, or he would try to in vision what his brother would have wanted to talk to him about had he not died. All the moments where fantasy Fai knew; but Fai was lonely and his brother used to know him, so there was no harm in these self-discussions.

"Yui.", Fai's voice would say in the fake-Fai's mind.

"Heya, Fai", Yui would mentally reply with a tired sound clipping just on the edge to give away Yui's real emotion.

"You look…" Fai would not want to bother his more-private brother but, wanting to help Yui overrode the bothering.

"Lonely?" Yui would finish.

Yui's brother would nod,"And tired, I see."

Yui could imagine what his beautiful, strong, caring brother would do then in the cool night air. Yui knew that Fai was always honest, and was the only one Yui ever was purely simply honest with. Fai, the true Fai who did not pretend and could heal those wounded and could not use any form of malice or strength to cause injury, would scoop up sand in his hand, slowly letting it fall to the ground. Fai would look at Yui and smile sadly, really smile with an eyebrow raised, and sigh and claim, "My brother always makes things so hard for himself; doesn't he?", and the smile would widen and Fai would take off his shoes, walk into the ocean, getting his clothing wet.

This world was a jean and t-shirt kind of world but, if Fai was here he would wear dark jeans and the black, hot-pink neon, word designed shirts Yui has seen; and it would like nice on Fai. Maybe, the words would say ,"Take your blame" or "Kiss the knowing" or "Dream awake like you do when your asleep." Yui wore cargo pants and, unlike his brother would have worn, a baggy gray shirt with black paint print showing rain drops slanting across a picture frame. The pants of which, Yui would roll up and wade out into the surf; unlike his brother, the quitter would wade for a time while Fai let waves tumble straight, full head on into the more outgoings chest. Where Fai would stand, spreading out his hands up to the universe and close his sky blue eyes, tilting the face up to the makers. Fai, he would have lived in a pure non self- restraining way; the kind Yui could never live. Fai would always be the person Yui wanted to be. Yui would duck down and look for shell because, unlike his brother, yet, exactly like his brother; Yui was searching for something. Fai searched for the true real feelings and true meaning in life when Yui… Yui thought a moment, pausing, feeling the round mystery of a shell he could not see under the depths of the tide. Perhaps, that was what Yui was looking for; those mysterious parts of himself and the simple beautiful things in life. Yui had always been more intuitive, always less risky, always more calculating in the world. Fai would throw himself into and embrace it; always wishing the best and aiming the highest. Fai was a dreamer yet, both wanted the best. Yui was a realist, not a dreamer. Yui did not see shapes in the darkening sky, he saw rain; he saw the need for shelter.

Even as twins, the two of them Yui knew, would not have been the same. Yui took Fai's name and the responsibility for living the others life; so Yui filled the universal gap Fai should've filled. Yui filled the gap through acting in public just as Fai might have acted. But, Yui was not Fai. Yui had eyes like the winter sky; with the light tones of shallow seas, not the deep blue eyes Fai made seemingly go on forever. Yui's hair was darker at the roots, like wet cool sand; Fai had light hair like rays of sun through an open summer window. Fai walked with his feet dancing and a straight frame. Yui's feet did not dance but, rolled off the ground always touching it, Fai walked with meaning and stride, with purpose. Fai's laugh was lots of laughs strung on to create an echoing melody that changed key and moved up music scales. Yui, if he laughed, did not create music. Yui's laugh was flat and always disbelieving, cynically thinking somewhere else.

At his point in musing, Yui picked up the hidden shell. It was just a broken piece of a shell smoothed, some parts scraped and battered to a gray flat color, and the round shape fit across Yui's palm and it fit snuggly in the warms of his palm. Fai would have looked up whistling at Yui, and once putting away the shell; Fai would yank yuiis hand roughly, causing them to run together into the surface first. Fai would not let go of Yui's hand until Fai himself fell; right after Yui. Fai would come up, sputtering and laughing his butt off. Fai would talk on and off about things, anything, everything; all wrapped in a meaningless bunch of nothing but, it would matter, because Fai's voice was soothing and tenor and a touch more saturating in volume, more infectious than yuiis. Fai had the kind of voice where the words never mattered, hearing the fluid cadence was. Yui had more meaningful things to say but, would talk less. When Fai grabs Yui's hand, Yui remembers how back in Valeria being judged; Yui had grabbed Fai's hand first but, Fai had never let go.

Soaking wet, with beads hazardly flying off Fai's hair; Fai would joke to yuii about why he only did this at night, and why weren't any girls around? And yuii would've hit Fai softly across the paler upper arm of his joking brother. The moment on the beach would be right. More right than what Yuii was really doing, pretending. Yuii knew exactly how kurogane would have handled his real brother, because more than half the time he acted as carefree and obnoxious as Fai but, the difference was Fai truly was all of those things; yuii was not. But, Fai would always comfort people, and yuii would just try his best to look after and help people. Fai would've played the guitar or the violin, but not the piano. Because Fai wanted people to listen; yuii just wanted to mean something to people and express what he could. Fai would laugh along the beach with yuii, still wet and, after some time, Fai would grow thoughtful and quite. Fai was not a stupid person, Fai was very smart but, he didn't show it often because it caused people to look at him differently. They became less honest and less fun to be around, more questioning and serous. Yuii wasn't the only twin that would have hidden parts of himself. Yet even hiding things, Fai would've dragged yuii to the old, white checkered, seventies-style dinner down the road and charmed a girl to come, confident even with the secrets. Or maybe, he would've made yuii share a ice-cream sundae, magically piled to the roof, with sodas and fries on the side. The place would smell like leather and vinyl perhaps, and maybe the ice-cream server would add extra sprinkles and wink, or maybe she wouldn't.

The fantasies where not all yuii remembers of Fai but, memories where the moments and memories Yuii wanted to live with Fai. Fai was both relaxed and obnoxious, smart and silly, fast moving or slow to realize. So fast to say but, slow to realize; when yuii was fast to realize, slow to say. And Fai, since the dinner sundae would have been before walking to the sea, would start looking at the stars and ask yuii questions. Yuii was honest for Fai, Fai was a dreamer for Fai. Fai sensing Yui's mood would ask, "What if all the little stars are…The bad people that die, and bigger stars are the better people?". Fai would tell Yui ," I think the bad people would be the stars because you notice them more; and the good people would be the space in-between because their just as good but, hidding". Fai would've stopped walking and asked ,"Would Kurgy be a black star, or a white one?". Yui would softly laugh, and humor ,"Mr. Blacky is the black one". The conversations didn't need to make sense; they just needed to be there. Yuii didn't want to forget his brother. Fai would've turned after the question, and sprinted down the sand screaming, " Burry me Yui!". The quiter would have laughed, half-heartedly throwing sand at Fai; until a wagging sand war ensued. Both by the end would chase each other around, grapping wet sand balls and getting so sandy the sand would stay for weeks.

Sometime, Fai would ask things of Yui and the sorcerer wouldn't know what to say. Fai would ask Yui if he would read him a story, or sign him a song, and Fai would ask Yui to make a wish. Fai would ask stupid things; like would Yui do his chores or help him with homework? But, Fai would also ask the best secret things. Fai would ask Yui to play snow fort or, play on the slide, even if they were far too old for it; not because Fai wanted to but, because he knew that Yui really wanted to, even if the sorcerer wouldn't admit it usually. Fai would ask Yui where he wanted to go, and do, if he could and what he wanted? Yui would ask Fai, if the mage was hurt or, if Fai needed someone to talk to; Yui wouldn't forget to do little extra things that most people don't appreciate, like lying to cover the more energetics mistake or buying something Fai would like. The two looked out for each other, each in their own special way, and it made the two feel loved.

Maybe, Yui thought, waves lapping at his feet, we would've just argued. Maybe, we would've grown a little apart. The fake-Fai didn't want to think of his twin that way, but… Maybe it could've happened. Fai would've lectured ," you don't have to hide, or you should just admit….", but, no that's what kurogane told Yui, not what his brother would have said. Of course, the two argued but, it didn't matter. In a way, arguing was a form of Yui's affection; Fai would've known the arguing as affection. If Yui didn't really care about you, or your opinion, he would just agree with you. It drove Fai crazy yet, Yui could never see a point in caring enough to argue; if the person didn't matter then it wasn't worth the energy.

Yui wondered what Fai would've done and thought of everyone. He wonders if Fai hates him. Fai would have like Syaoran's determination, Sakura's kindness, and Kurogane's sense of honor just as much as Fai admired them for the traits. Would Yuiis companions vie him differently if Fai was there? Or, would yuii view them differently? Fai would've make the dynamics different, that was for sure. Could the play act out the same, with two actors for a role? Would things work more smoothly, perhaps in the group? Yuii would never know but, he did not want to continue the current train of thought. Could haves, would haves, should haves, had a way of eating a person inside out; Yuii was eaten by guilt enough. None of it mattered anyway.

yuii threw a shell into the ocean angrily. Why would it matter if Fai was here? he had killed Fai. Yui began throwing all the shells he had collected in a pile while musing, and gritted his teeth, eyes full with tears in this eye . Each proceeding shell was thrown harder than the last into the ocean; it never went far enough, never went where Yuii wanted it to go, never far enough away into the ocean. Fai would have frowned at Yuii, after staring a moment. Fai would've also grabbed some shells and started throwing them into the water with yuii to say ,"Look at what you're doing, how silly your being, I don't get what your doing right now but, hell I do understand, and screw it; I'll throw them in to." And Fai would turn half way, mid-throw and say questioningly, shifting his weight in the way he did when he asked a question ,"Are you going to throw all the pretty things you know today because or something that happened yesterday? Are you going to throw away those things and parts of yourself because nobody else is helping you look? Because they confuse you, and hurt you, you're going to throw them into the ocean, and run as fast as you can? Instead of holding onto them until they become lost to you…?!" yuii just continued throwing shells, but he started crying, long light tears riveting off long eyelashes, that pooled off the corner underneath his jaw. Yuii was crying because this wasn't something his brother probably would have said in his mind but, it still might've been said. It was what yuii would have told Fai. And tears streamed down fake yuiis face as each shell went sailing further into oblivion. His arm acted to throw one more shell, stopping just before letting go. Yuii let go of the shell and let it drop to the ground before knelling crying; whispering aloud," No Fai. No ,the one throwing things away is me and I'm throwing away my-self. And everyone I ever got used to because I'm just not you."

Kurogane woke up in the morning, expecting Fai to act stupid as usual, but Fai wasn't even in the room. Kurogane tsked, now he was going to have to find the stupid mage wasn't he? What a pain. But he found Fai on couch in the front room reading a book. It was one of the first times Kurogane had ever seen the mage still. Fai's head was cocked, his face in a blank, slightly frowned position. Not a frown showing displeasure but, concentration. Kurogane looked at the mage, sitting in the soft morning light and was trying to sort out what on earth the special of quite the ninja had stretched in front of him. Tip-toeing over Fai's shoulder, Big-puppy read the words on the page; written in kanji with Fai's home script underneath, along with a few other kinds of script Kurogane did not recognize. The reading equated to "… who has not built his house, will not start now. Who is now by himself will long be so. Be wakeful, read, write lengthy letters , go in vaguely disquiet pacing up and down denuded lanes with leaves adrift below. –Rainer Marie Rilke."


End file.
